Change

“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth… the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.”

Anyone that knows me pretty well knows that one of my favorite television series is Grey’s Anatomy. I started watching the show during its second season and have watched the series since. I do not watch it religiously, but I always know who is breaking up, who is making up, and all of the other drama.

The quote above is from that of Dr. Meredith Grey of the hit show. Some may not totally agree with the quote, but I think it holds a good bit of truth, especially the part about how it hurts to grow. When I was a child, I always had horrendous leg cramps. I would spend hours in my bed tossing and turning before finally going to my parents’ bedside to ask for a pain reliever and rub the cramps out of my legs.  My momma always told me that they were “growing pains.” If I only would have known then that those pains would be no comparison to emotional growing pains in my future. Change causes growing pains. Actually, change causes a multitude of things whether we like it or not.

My family and I have been undergoing major change since my father’s death in December..Change in attitude. Change in routine. Change in outlook. Change in relationships. Even a change in where we sit for family meals. To be brutally honest, this family sees the glass not half-empty but completely empty for the time being.

You see, my father was the glue that this family needed. Or at least I did. He also exhibited as being the brains, the motivator, the calm one, the solution manual, the financial adjuster, the Christian leader of the house, the smile on a gloomy day, the dinner date, the history book, my biggest fan, the rebounder under the basket, the lawn mower, the referee (figuratively and literally), the optimist, the travel agent, the bedtime story teller, the tutor, the cookie monster, and the supporter. Though cancer captured my father’s body until his death, he never let the disease alter any of the roles listed above. He adapted to change for the time he had left, and we tried along with him.

When a loved one passes away, the family immediately hits the ground running. Call the funeral home. Call the family. Settle the arrangements. Friends send food left and right. Receive calls and visits every hour. Make sure the extended family has a place to sleep. Visitation for 3 hours. More visitation before funeral. After funeral, go home to visit and eat with friends and family. Friends and family leave. Then for the next few weeks, friends visit every day. The family and/or individual do not really have time to take a step back and observe what has taken place. My thoughts at the time mostly surrounded how I HAD to be the strong one. I HAD to be the rock that my father once was. I HAD to go back to school and live everyday like it was a normal thing. Well, I soon learned that those demands filling my head were utterly preposterous.

And oh, how the phrase “hindsight is always 20/20” always bites me in the behind… I should have listened to my elders, my doctor, and my friends when they told me to take the spring semester off. Instead, I listened to my pride and dove… actually, more like “belly-flopped”… right back into the fast paced, chaotic world of a college student. (Proverbs 16:18 says that pride comes before a fall. Guess I should have studied that one more closely.)

A medical profession induces difficult classes that require a great deal of effort.  Additionally, studies become even more of a challenge when that “future professional” has little or no motivation. I enrolled in classes that were not undoubtedly hard but took some extra effort. It did not take long for me to realize that I did NOT have the will-power or gumption to step up and conquer the challenges before me. My emotions were up in the air, flying down and hitting in me the face at all times of the day. At first, I competed with my emotions and won the battle, but eventually, they won the war.

School finally ceased for the summer. After a merely difficult semester, the multiple tornado sirens and threats, a noisy apartment complex, and a roommate confrontation, it would be an understatement to say that I could not wait to head south to Summit. I felt that if I came home, pieces would start to fit the puzzle, and I would find where I left my head. I expected too much. I assumed life to turn back around where it once was. Someone, younger than me, brought to my attention a few weeks ago that when you assume things, you become the first part of that word. Made complete sense to me.

The summer did NOT go completely how I planned it out, but does it ever? These hot two months has seen plenty of low days, but because of phenomenal friends, amazing co-workers, and the family that I love but drive me crazy at times, I have been able to find something to smile about. Through the tears and bad days comes peace and strength.

I have thoroughly loved being in the comfort of my home, but I do believe it is time for me to trek back to Starkville and finish what I started. Meredith Grey was right. Either adapt to change or get left behind. I couldn’t agree more.